To me, the rites of reconciliation means to go for confession, and in confession, we talk about our sins. Being a non-native English speaker and a newly baptized, the word “reconciliation” is foreign in my whole 40 over years of living.
Yet, I know of this feeling in Mandarin – 不甘心 – and I found out that the English equivalent of this phrase is “unable to reconcile”!
And it dawns upon me, that reconciliation, is God’s asking us to come to terms. Coming to terms with Him, with ourselves, with our situations, and with the people around us.
Oh Lord, Oh Heavenly King, you know my cries.
I have asked you countless nights, what is Your Will? Why do you send people into my life, seemingly to fulfill my needs, but yet you take them away?
I have prayed to you on many a starless night; why have you hidden your face from me? Why play such a great joke on me?
I have begged you, oh Lord, for so many days, to give me what I want but you have your own plans for me.
How could it be we have such a connection, and yet we can’t bring it to the next level? And I felt that I cannot reconcile with this at all.
Because as much as I believe that things happen for a reason, and perhaps You have sent an angel into my life to help me heal, I was still crying inside asking Why?
And it finally dawns upon me.
That what You required of me is to learn to make peace. Yup, to reconcile is to make peace with God, and with myself. The anger and anxiety dissipates, as soon as I learn to make peace.
It doesn’t really matter whether she is the angel sent into my life anymore. And it doesn’t matter that I must make it right this time.
Yes, just because we have failed once, we almost instinctively want to make sure that our next venture will be a successful one. We set up criteria, and screen and take calculated risks, all so to ensure that “the next time it will be right”.
But what is “right” and “successful”?
It dawns upon me that by trying to make sure the “next time is right”, we are putting things into our hands. In other words, I want to be in control. I am not going to let God, or worse still, I am using God as an excuse – “Oh I pray and discern so this time it must be right”.
However, if I have truly reconciled, truly made peace, then I realize I don’t have to make sure “next time it will be right”.
For if I truly have faith in God, then so what if the next one is still not successful?
Maybe God simply wants me to learn the same lesson twice, in different perspectives?
It is okay to “walk into danger even if I see it”
I thank a good Catholic teacher who prayed with me today and I truly hope God will answer the prayer.
Yet I know, despite all logic, that because of my sinful nature, I do disobey Him sometimes. I cannot, and will not, use the morally right and sensible yardstick all the time. Perhaps I have to learn to be willful. Perhaps I have to throw away my logic, my “thinking too much”. Trust instead the gut feel, the innermost desire. And even if it turns out “wrong” – how wrong can it be in God’s eyes?
Like the prodigal son who did everything “wrong”, yet God is ever ready to take him back.
No. I am not taking our Lord for granted.
Instead, it is this making peace and being reconciled with myself, that says it is okay to take risks. Don’t be judgmental about the situation. Even if on the surface it seems improbable. But trusting God, means having the faith that He will make the improbable, possible.
So my Lord and my God, thank you for teaching me to let go, and yet with a humble heart I am walking into another phase.
I dare not hope that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, for I will always remember there was once a wise man who said, the lights at the end of the tunnel could well be the headlights of an oncoming train. I will pray instead, that God will lead me out of the tunnel, and bring me to light.
Reconciliation is to take things in stride. To always believe that God is in control, not me. And most important of all, in the midst of all the chaos and noises, to be able to make peace.