A reflection

as i walked down from the RCIA session, i was feeling out of the blue, my hp battery drained and i have nothing to play on.
I see the bus, coming to toa payoh and i feel oh ya i have to wait another 5 minutes before my last destination, home!
I see the old lady, and smiled to her, gave away my seat to her… and she started to look at me, and she kept looking at me a few times and i looked at her in the end and finally..
i smiled to her, i said hi auntie.. how are you? she started to tell me her job, and other  things, within 3 minutes she started to open her plastic bags and gave me her cheese cake ( one slice of nice cheese cake ), and she told me about her daughter who does not allow her to put any food in the fridge, and she always gets cakes from her job, and her manager gives her cakes because her manager likes her, she works very hard. I was impressed with her, she was probably about my mom’s age, but she’s very strong… though her surrounding is not supportive.

good point! i feel grateful, not because of the cheesecake, but because I met someone who can talk to me, someone who really can share within that short period of time…
Grateful that i could learn from her, in her tough world, despite of grumbling of having a difficult time with her daughter, she keep doing her best, and deals with the difficult things in her life in a good manner.
as i continue to think, reflect and ponder on my job, my job is never easy really, it is just a job, and if i don’t do my best, how can i say, hey i did my best and i will have no regret if i should fail, at least i do my best, and i can’t change that!

yesterday, i feel really i need rest and be at peace do my short examen, what i am most grateful of, and what i feel less grateful about.. my mind travelled and when i woke up in the morning and when i was going to the  bus.. i was rushing and i missed my bus.. but as i missed my bus i could meet my friend at the bus stop and i had wished  i could meet him earlier…

yeah i feel grateful for that small thing, and i don’t let anything ruin my day and i just feel that… and i am fully aware when i eat my lunch i enjoy it slowly and with every bite, i chew it .. i swallow it.. yeah it is just awesome in the midst of things … going on.. i feel so grateful with every single bite of my foods

though, my job isn’t easy and i am in a kind of adjustment stage… my heart keeps screaming do not be afraid, rest in God.. trying my best too and i hope i could rest in His love..

I like being in control, but suddenly when things are out of control.. i kind of  dislike it.. because i feel that the situation is not under control.. my friend used to remind me and make me aware.. when you like to be in control, you act as if you are God, and so you forget that He is there, waiting for you to ask Him or call him for help… walking down to my office corridor, my eyes look at the vending machine back then, then i connect that i treat God as if He is my vending machine.. GoSH how polite i am.. in my awareness and consciousness i use my novena/ rosary/ any prayer as coins that i put inside the vending machine and wishfully the drink comes out to be what i really want.
i think it is not a good thing, sometimes we don’t know what is good or bad to us… we just see what is displayed in the vending machine.. when we are in need of a drink..
after a short observation i really get in touch with my feelings.
Oh God, please help me to open my heart to your will.
May be i could not change things to what i want to be, thus I seek your help to strengthen me…
May be i could change things. . . I want to do your will. please grant me strength and courage to face the changes.
and God open my heart and my eyes to differentiate the difference.
and always be thankful for everyday of my life, bad and good, tears and joy… i surrender all to you.

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My plans for you

The beauty of your creation, O Lord . . . I seldom embrace what is in front of me . . . while walking on ground wet with rain . . . I hear the symphony of nature, I listen to the rhythm of the melody . . . and I am amazed . . . the light rain in the morning as I walk from the retreat house to the church and as I contemplate on your words I had gotten last night . . .  I ask a lot of questions, Lord . . . What is your plan for me? What is good from you that I may not understand?          Lord, this life seems to be bleak with loads of riddles and unanswered questions . . . While walking I hear the music and the melody of the rain . . . it is water poured down from the dark cloudy skies.

My heart turns from doubt to enlightenment . . .  the desire of praising you and thanking you! That I have this chance to enjoy this perfect harmony of chirping birds and dancing rain blending nicely with the cloudy sky . . . My heart starts to focus on you, how you have created the beauty of the earth . . . all that I seldom embrace and enjoy.

Thankful and grateful for this morning rain, the melody just wakes me up from a fear and doubt of the future. . . Thankful and grateful because the wind just blows away shadows of my future . . . Thankful and grateful for what you have given me . . . all these times . . .  and you are always with me all the time in my life . . .  when I fall . . .  when I rise . . . when I smile . . . when sorrows come . . . Thankful and grateful to you for the gift of faith, and people around me . . . to keep me walking . . .

As I feel the morning breeze and I hear the chirping sounds of birds singing in the midst of the rain . . . I hear slowly your whisper in my ears . . . Do not be afraid for I am with you. Trust in My providence for the journey of your life.  Have a faithful heart of My plan in your future . . . The grey cloudy sky seems to show me . . . Look . . . though people have said I am the symbol of sadness I give you the freshness of life . . . the pain and the tears will always be there but there is always a better life after the tears and pain . . .

In the mass I started to contemplate my life these weeks, when I got problems with my work, with my life, but He is there . . . providing me with answers . . . I was asking for the key, the clues . . . He just provides me the whole answers . . . I just can’t say anything but wipe away my tears . . .My heart is full of gratitude, and after these weeks of restlessness and a burdened and heavy heart I have finally found peace . . . for His way and His will and His words are my strength.

Walking back to the retreat house, I looked at my right and left side . . .  the greenery, the smells of the wet ground, the melody of the rain, the chirping sounds of birds, the breeze . . .  It is just beautiful . . . and my heart starts to whisper . . . This is the true colour of life . . . when I see it with an open heart . . . As I reached the retreat house after the mass, my heart was just full of joy and gratitude for I have been journeying in my life so far . . . and believing His plan is above my plan. . . Lord, Your will be done . . .

“For I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope” (Jeremiah 29:11)

Worries in life

Worries in life have never been great! Not for me, not for my health, not for my anxiety, and I start losing my peace, and shrinking in anger and impatience. Yeah I feel that, these days, I have been worried about my job, about my future; even a small thing could make me worried and focussed on those things. Though I have read scriptures ( oh ya by the way, I forgot to read my daily scripture today, as my mind was full of worries . . . and I was rushing to the office today) almost everyday, and scriptures always mention about trust and belief in God’s providence . . . I could not say nor think anything but still  remain in my worries.

Yesterday, I worried over my phone ( a small problem if I had been able to see it today). I felt so worried when the battery was draining and I  most needed it, so I was hoping that my new phone could not be delivered yesterday. I was hoping and hoping and hoping . . . and in the subway, someone looked at my handphone screen saver and he said, ‘Hey, it’s beautiful to see your screen saver’.  I looked at him astonished and tried to gain my composure over my worries of the handphone. . . 

‘Oh.. my handphone,’ 

He answered, ‘Yes, such a beautiful crucifix! ’

“It’s the crucifix of the  Church of Our Lady of Lourdes. . .”

Then the man said that by looking at the crucifix, we can see that no problem is worse than what Jesus had, and Jesus had overcome everything . . . so when we have problems we look at it and we see nothing is really impossible for Him, for He has changed human history since His presence on earth.

 As I reached the church for RCIA, my wish was granted. My phone will be delivered next week. Instead of being thankful, I started  feeling anxiety, being depressed and angry. Why is this delivery cancelled? I am expecting it today! Why why why, and I did not really remain calm but  lost my patience and my concentration. I just tried ( my best) to put aside my worries, anxiety and anger.

And I tried to calm  my mind, and try to see the bigger, clearer picture of what has been going on these days. . . Where am I going? What did I do?  Yeah, now I was amused . . . I could not say anything. I was thinking like . . . Hey He really answered me!!! He really knows my problem.. Yeah, probably I cannot see Him directly, but He is present amongst the people I meet, the occasions I go  through whether I am aware of His presence or not. I was not putting enough attention to His presence and I did not care about what He was trying to speak to me in these weeks. So it shocked me, and yeah I could care less about small things. . .  I have more things to think about and to be more patient to see a bigger and clearer picture of life, of His plan.

Worry , it’s just a feeling, it could drive you to anxiety

Worry, it’s just a feeling, but it could drive you to anger

 Worry, it’s just a feeling, but it could tarnish your inner peace

Worry, it ‘s just a feeling, but it could drive you to be unconscious of life.

Worry, it’s  just because your pride is being attacked, yeah it just makes your heart rotten. Now that I remember,

Do not worry about anything. Instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then, you will experience God’s peace. His peace will guard your heart and your mind, as you live in Christ Jesus ( Phil 4:6-7)

Isma 30 May 2012

to start my day

Dear Lord,

as I woke up today, be with me still and teach me,

Not to rush my day, but to give thanks

Not to rush my life, but to bring consciousness towards it

Lord, thank you for the rest,  you always guard me

Lord, thank you for the health that I am able to wake up, normally

Lord, thank you for the new day that I can still sense with all my senses

Lord, please be with me today ..

to go through  my days

to see You in people I meet today

to see You in every ocassion I will be through today

to see You in myself, whatever I do and react today

Lord, be with me always that I may do everything the best for You

Lord, be with me always that I may glorify You in my attitude, behaviour, and my belonging.

-Amen-